You will never know
SOME of what you feel for her may be the same for what I feel for you, but remember this “J”. I NEVER GAVE UP ON YOU! I NEVER WALKED AWAY FROM YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I MORE THAN SHOULD HAVE! I NEVER QUIT OUR RELATIONSHIP! I HELD MY TOUNGE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE GAVE YOU A FEW NEW ONES!
The part that loves her wants to scream at her, to bitch her out. He screams in anger from the pain that the separation has caused. Yet……………..even through the pain, you cannot seem to bring yourself to let go though you say that you need to. Even with you being tired from the roller coaster of emotions you have all that hope.
But she’s hardly given you the time of day. She mostly runs away from it all. Runs away from reality. Runs away like a child. She doesn’t want to own up to what she has caused. She hasn’t and may not give you that chance to say your piece so that he may “die” like you want him to.
I sit here, maybe not as quite as I can be, but here I stay. I sit here and take in all that you say. About her. Understanding your pain, anger, love, hope, every last breath, every last moment spent. Everything that you have, are and will experience was and still is mine. You think your battle will be over once he is “gone”. Oh no, far from it. I doubt he will ever be gone from your life. Mine isn’t and it’s been a little over a year now.
You’ve told me a few times now what you want to “say”/yell to her and that you’re waiting for her to skype with you so you can do it “face to face”. But you will NEVER know mine. You will NEVER hear my side. She’s done most of her yelling. Without you to hear it. You might think that all the stern talking I did in the past was her ripping you a new one. Far from it my dear. That was just plain old me “talking”. I have “yet” to rip you a new one. But I doubt that shall ever come to pass.
You see, I have control over her. I can shut that side of me up 98% of the time. Tonight she came out a bit though. At least her feelings came through. Holding back the actual act of yelling at you but within my own thoughts screaming after you’ve said “Every time you talk about her I want to tell you to not talk and quit attacking her.” I tried my best to have a smile on my face for you. I tried my best to hide it. But she came screaming at the door. I truly don’t mean for it to sound like an attack. It’s my own observations of her actions, lack there of and knowledge of stuff that you, yourself have said.
You honestly think with that part of me still loving you the way she does that she’s going to idly sit by and not want to comfort you? To not just take you away from her so that your pain goes away? Every part of me loves to see your smile. To know that you are truly happy. But with the way that you are now, from what all of me hears and sees, to actually know all that, to relate to all that pain, to think about what that little girl is capable of. There will be so many things that you will not know, that you will not hear, or see. Because I will be courteous and keep them to myself. I will do my best to keep them locked away for you not to hear. But there will be times that you say something about how you feel towards that girl and it will stir up those unsaid emotions and thoughts. They start to boil to the surface because your feelings and mine start to become one in the same, but with only one difference. I for you and you for her. That is how it’s been. It’s how it will stay till whenever.
In the end you will never know what has truly been said within my reality. You will never know my thoughts that have revolved or will revolve around this. All I will ever tell you is that I still love you. I want to see you smile again. Just not with her. And it doesn’t have to be me. Even though I wish it so much and so badly. But I worry. I will always worry. I will always care. Never turning my back or walking away. Always watching over you as best as I can. Trying to stay silently to the side until the moments arise where you finally turn to me and ask for me. For now, this is how I can love you. This is the only way I know how to survive in your reality. These are my limitations and I will abide by them.
Just this. Only this.
When you’re eating..
at a restaurant,
but when you’re at home or friend’s house,
via sodamnrelatable
